Bennie Goes Glamping

by Brian DuBois

A group of six friends sit around a propane-fueled firepit on a chilly autumn night. Three couples all holding hands and drinks and laughing. Then Bennie comes along. In an exaggerated poof of garish colors, floral scents, sniffles and “ahems.” He sits down among them. Places his spiked pumpkin spiced latte on to the smooth stone pavers at their feet. Sits in the last empty chair and warms his slender hands at the fire. The seventh person in their group. The only one unattached. The odd person out.

Bennie takes up his drink again and says, “Okay. It’s my turn now and this story is gonna blow your minds. It happened almost a year ago when Anthony and I were still together.” He sips. “I’m warning you now. This story is fucking scary and will finally explain to you what actually happened to Anthony. Why none of you have seen him since the summertime. So grab your cajones ladies because Bennie is about to curl your short hairs with this very true, very terrifying tale.”

“As if anyone has pubic hair anymore,” Vikki says. Quit your melodrama Bennie and just tell the story before these gummies wear off.”

“Fine Vic-tor-i-a.” Bennie says after another sip. Pauses to nip at an errant cuticle bordering his pinky nail. “Back in August Anthony took me glamping. A romantic getaway in a canvas yurt at a secluded cove with a gorgeous view of the Clementine River.

“Did you say camping or glamping?” Vikki asks.

“Glamping toots. Do you think I would – for a single second – consent to camping in the woods? In a moldy tent? On top of nature? Surrounded by bugs?”

“That’s why I was clarifying,” Vikki says. “Please continue your story – of terror.”

“This place was magnificent. Fully furnished, electricity, indoor plumbing with hot water. It was clean, modern, and isolated. But… there was no WiFi. No Internet access at all. It was supposed to make the trip more personal and charming. A romantic perk of the setting designed to force its guests to interact more closely with one another. And it might have worked out that way if Anthony didn’t wait until we pulled into its driveway to tell me this. So of course I was bitter and angry about it. I don’t like surprises like that. I wasn’t mentally prepared to have to rough it in the wilderness. To survive there for five full days without any WiFi. The thought of it. I mean, really.”

“We got there on a Friday night around 8pm. By 8:30 we were fully fighting over our being completely cut off from civilized society. Hot tub – yes. Stereo surround sound inside the house, outside on the deck and dock – check. Full library of multi-genre movies on DVD and Blu-Ray because streaming services weren’t available – you betcha. There was a fully stocked bar and wine fridge. A gourmet kitchen stuffed with food. A yoga and exercise room that faced the river. A sailboat and a motor boat. A fire pit twice the size of this rinky-dink one. But zero WiFi. No fucking Internet access. And my Anthony thought that would be a fun and sexy surprise to spring on me at the very last minute. I was screaming for him to take me home before we even climbed out of his Rivian.”

“By about midnight I had calmed down and accepted Anthony’s apology. We made up over wine and ice cream sundaes on the back deck. I gotta admit that the sound of the river with the chirping of the crickets was supremely soothing. The tiny lights strung around the perimeter and the soft music coming from hidden speakers over our heads was divine. We wore silk kimonos and sat barefooted under heavy blankets. I gotta admit I almost entirely forgot what I was so furious about earlier. That night was magical and DARK.” Bennie pauses to take a long drink and let his emphasis on that final word sink in among his audience.

“Like dark dark,” he continues. “No ambient light anywhere. Especially after we turned off all of the lights on the way upstairs. There were tens of tons of stars in the sky and they twinkled beautifully through the plastic skylight over our huge and fluffy bed. But it was disturbing also because I wasn’t used to being surrounded by such an enveloping darkness. I was frightened, so I made Anthony leave a bathroom light on to break up that otherwise complete pitch blackness. Ugh. It was so super scary until that moment when the bathroom light came on.

“We cuddled up in each other’s arms. Legs intertwined. His warm breath on the back of my neck. The soft patter of a light rain against the yurt's canvas roof. It was so goddamn romantic I cried myself to sleep and dreamed of endless fields of sunflowers with powerful tawny stallions wandering among them.”

“Until the thunder startled us awake. Entombed in darkness again because the bathroom light was out. The power was out. At the next crack of thunder I screamed like a child with her finger caught in a car door. Anthony tightened his grip around my waist and pulled me into him. My strong protector hugged me close. We stayed like that for a long time, hoping that the storm would blow over us. That the rain would slow. That the thunder and lightning would ease up. Go away. But it didn’t. The storm squatted over us like it was hosting a “tea-bagging” page on Only Fans.”

“Anthony said that there was a generator in a shed out back for situations just like this. Our host had expressed to him that happy glampers did not want Mother Nature ruining their experience. He rolled out of bed, got dressed and disappeared outside into that dreadful storm. To start up the generator for us. To get the lights back on, the air conditioning running, and the toilets flushing again.”

“Plumbing doesn’t typically require electricity, Bennie. I’m pretty sure those toilets would have been flushing just fine with or without that generator.” says Vikki’s younger brother Chili.

“Shut the hell up Chili! Let me tell my story! What do you even know about it anyway?!”

“He’s a union plumber, Bennie. Don’t you ever bother to listen to him when he talks about work?” This is said by Jake. Vikki’s most recent boyfriend. Quickly becoming her most serious boyfriend.

“Of course I listen to him!”

“You only listen when the conversation revolves around you. It’s always been that way Bennie.” Candice speaks up from under the heavy arm of her girlfriend Turtle.

“Can everyone please shut up, so I can finish my terrifying story. Your interruptions are ruining my narrative flow. I want you to feel the fear that I’m feeling. Even now, almost a whole year later. I’m legit armpit sweating just remembering it and I haven’t even gotten to what befell my beautiful man Anthony.”

“Fine Bennie. Continue.” Vikki says through an exasperated sigh. She backhands Chili to shut him up.

“Thank you Vikki.” Bennie says. He crosses his legs and smooths the material of his silk paisley pajama pants.

“Anyway. Tony headed out into the storm to get the generator started. To save the day. Or the night, so to speak. I waited in the upstairs bedroom. Well, it wasn’t really an actual upstairs because we were in a canvas and steel framed yurt raised up on stilts. It was more like a loft I guess…”

“Please focus Bennie. You’re starting to tell this story in real time.” Turtle says between puffs on her vape.

“Right. Point made. What’s important to recognize is that I was inside safe and sound while Anthony was outside risking his life for me in the torrential rain. It was like that storm had been searching for us and once it found us it wasn’t planning on leaving us anytime soon. It raged for hours. Thunder clap on top of thunderclap with no pauses in between immediate lightning strikes. I didn’t need to be afraid of the dark anymore because it was barely dark anymore. So much lightning. A little wind-up clock ticked away on the table at our bedside. I got bored tracking the intervals between thunder claps and flashes of lightning, so I focused on the slow passage of time. Every fucking minute felt like a goddamn hour.”

“Forty-five fucking minutes later and still no Anthony. But plenty of raging foul weather out there. I actually pulled myself out from within the safety of my blanket cocoon to climb down from the loft and try looking out one of the bleary plastic windows around the main living space. Hoping to catch the tiniest glimpse of my Anthony. To see where he was, what he was doing, and why it was taking so long to get the electricity back up and working.”

“In between flashes of lightning, all I could see was the shed door getting whipped violently back and forth by a crazy wind that should have blown this storm to Tahiti by now. Not a single sign of Anthony anywhere. No overhead lights inside the shed. No flashlights around it, on the decks, or in the yard. I can’t describe to you how scared I was in that moment. For Anthony’s safety and for my own as well.”

“I’m sure you could describe it to us in great detail without much effort at all.” Chili interrupts.

“With plenty of drama and emotion.” Vikki fist bumps her brother.

Chili leans forward and kisses the girl seated between his legs on the top of her blonde head. “You good, hon?”

She nods.

“Shut up the both of you.” Candice says. “I’m interested, but not for much longer.”

“I went back up to the loft for the bedside alarm clock and hugged it close to my chest while I huddled on the half circle couch facing the front door. It was my only option for keeping track of the time with no electricity and a dead cell phone. Also its ticking against my heart was mildly soothing during this horrific experience. By then Tony had been gone for more than an hour. Still no lights and no air conditioning. The yurt was starting to get especially warm and sticky inside. Gross.”

“About fifteen minutes later I heard someone climbing the stairs to the front deck. I expected it to be Anthony only it didn’t sound like Anthony at all. Anthony was light on his feet. Always airy and nimble like a graceful dancer on stage. These approaching footsteps were heavy and plodding. They thumped and shuffled up each riser between ground level and the front door. Made me pretty damn nervous waiting to see who it could be. Especially if it wasn’t Anthony.”

“Why not lock the front door Bennie? Protect yourself if you were worried about it being someone dangerous.”

“Shush Candice,” Bennie says. “Just stop it!”

“Now where was I?...The clock ticked against my beating heart. The wind tried to wrestle the door away from the hand opening it. My breathing was fast and shallow. I nearly screamed. I was paralyzed with fear, Candice”

“Then I recognized Anthony’s silhouette in the doorway. It limped across the threshold. Dripping wet, he held one of his shoes in his hand. There was something wrong with the exposed foot. It looked bloody and muddy in the lightning flashes. He was holding his other hand in a fist against his chest. It appeared super bloody too, actively running down that arm and dripping from his elbow.”

“I pulled him into the bathroom. Said nothing to him. Concentrated solely on keeping all of that mud and blood from getting onto me. I helped him strip away his filthy clothes and got him into the shower. He was covered in so many scratches and the bruises were already starting to show themselves. Everywhere, blotches of red and crimson grew wider and darker. I made the water as hot as he could stand it.”

“Bennie. Hot water heaters require electricity.”

“Shut up Chili!” Bennie screams. “Poor thing was shivering and shaking so hard I thought his teeth would shatter.”

“Well yeah. You shoved him into an ice cold shower.” Chili says.

A chorus of “Shut up Chili” follows. His sister shoots him an angry look. The blonde sitting between his legs smacks his shins. Candice shushes. Turtle ignores. Jake snorts and guffaws. Bennie sips his drink, waiting for his audience to return.

Vikki asks, “What happened to him Bennie?”

Turtle says, “Yeah, tell us what happened.”

Candice asks, “Where did all of his injuries come from?”

Bennie leans forward to continue. “I waited until he was all dried off, his foot and hand bandaged before I swaddled him on the couch under a half dozen or so thick and comfy blankets. When his teeth stopped chattering I asked him those two questions. Are you okay? What the hell happened out there?”

“It turned out the generator was dead. Anthony couldn’t get it started. He told me that it had gas, was getting spark and air. But it wasn’t catching and turning over. Apparently those things are important for making a generator go.” Bennie shrugs his shoulders. Chili and Jake nod in agreement.

“I have no fucking idea about any of that kind of stuff. He told me it was probably a clogged gas line, fuel filter, or a blocked carburetor. All of which he was perfectly capable of fixing, but which couldn’t be done in the wet without any lights. He tried and actually ended up stabbing himself in the hand with a screwdriver. So we would have to wait out the night in the dark humidity. Needless to say, I was not pleased. I was sweaty and scared and bored. I just wanted to go home. To feel safe and cool and dry again. Plus I was starting to get hungry. Stress always makes me hungry.”

“What happened to Anthony’s foot, Bennie?” Vikki asks. “Did you ever bother to ask him how it got injured?”

“Of course I did.”

“And?” Chili’s eyes go wide. He spreads out his hands.

“How did he hurt his foot Bennie?” Turtle asks. She passes the vape to Candice.

“He dropped a cinderblock on it while shuffling things around in that dark shed. It slipped out of his wet fingers. The corner of it landed right on top of his foot. Crushed the damn thing something awful. Hobbling back on it caused him to slip and fall many times. He whined about the whole thing like a little baby. Cried over the pain in his foot. Worried about the infection he was growing in his hand. This ached. That pinched. This throbbed. That stung. I gotta tell you it was all too much to listen to. Quite traumatic for me.”

“I just stared out the windows the whole time. Ignoring him and hoping that nothing else was out there lurking about in the pitch black. Waiting for us to come out.”

“Why would there be anything out there?” Chili’s girlfriend asks.

“Wait. Was there anything else out there?” Jake leans in.

“You promised us this story was going to be scary. When does it get scary?” Vikki pops another edible into her mouth.

“Actually I think he used the word terrifying.” Turtle takes her vape back from Candice and puts it to her lips.

“This is the terrifying part. Aren’t you listening?” Bennie’s drink is empty. He rattles the ice around in his cup. Holds it out for someone to take and refill. Jake reaches for it, but Vikki stops him.

“Continue.” Candice says. “Remember you also promised that this story would explain why none of us see Anthony around anymore.”

“Let me reset the scene for you again. Maybe you missed what was so terrifying about this whole ordeal. Listen closely and pay attention.” Bennie places his empty drink cup down and clasps his hands under his chin. Points at them to punctuate each sentence. “No electricity. No WiFi. No air conditioning. Raining angry buckets outside. Hot. Humid. BORING! No Starbucks. No Dunkin’. Nobody cooking for me. This wasn’t glamping. This was slumming. Who knew what other horrors could be waiting for me.”

“Bennie? What did you do?” Vikki asks. She knows him well enough to be accusatory.

“When the sun was up enough for me to see a bit, I packed our stuff and loaded it along with Anthony into his truck. I drove us the fuck out of there at daybreak. I dropped Anthony off at the closest Emergency Room and then took myself home.”

“You dumped off Anthony at the hospital? All by himself?” Turtle laughs. She also knows Bennie well enough.

“Dumped is such a heartless word Turtle. I’m sure he was surrounded by doctors and nurses. Other sick people too. It’s not like I left him all alone.”

“You took his truck and drove yourself home? In his truck?” Jake is shook. He doesn’t know Bennie as well as all of the others. One reason for this little get-together tonight was for Vikki to introduce her newest serious boyfriend to Candice, Turtle, and Bennie.

“Absolutely. I needed a coffee. A hot meal. A warm shower. Peace and quiet. And some serious me-time to include plenty of self-care and pampering. I couldn’t be hanging around the waiting room of some podunk hospital all day.”

“Still waiting to hear what happened to Anthony,” Turtle says.

“Not totally sure. No longer my problem. I dumped his ass as soon as I pulled out of that hospital parking lot. Why the hell should I care what happened to him after I so graciously delivered him into the arms of safety. After the sheer torture I just described him putting me through.”

Jake wants to say something. His mouth is open but no words come out. He is at a complete loss and looks from Vikki to Chili for help. Brother nor sister appear the least bit surprised.

“What did you do with the Rivian?” Candice asks.

“I left it in a Target parking lot. Unlocked with the keys under the driver’s seat. I guess he picked it up at some point. It was gone the following weekend.”

“Bennie.” Vikki stands up. Pulls Jake up to stand beside her. “You said this story was scary.”

“That it would terrify us.” Turtle stands up as well.

Candice joins her.

Chili stays seated. His girlfriend twists her neck to look up at everyone preparing to leave.

“Well.” Bennie looks genuinely confused. “It was terrifying to me.”

Jake finds his voice. “You were the scariest part of that whole story.”

Bennie stands and wraps his arms around himself. He stalks past them all. A frustrated harrumph then his terse response to Jake. “I guess you just don’t get it. Fucking new guy.”

Copyright 2023 by Brian DuBois

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